Still re-acquiring my sea legs here.

We went to Liturgy this morning, and after fellowship hour we drove to my husband's parents' house for some Mother's Day festivities. We are so blessed to enjoy such warm, positive relationships with our respective sets of in-laws. Every year, I realize more deeply how rare that is.

Father Ted and I have been having some fruitful discussions about music. Since our trip to Germany in December, we're both coming to feel that any music not done for the glory of God isn't really, eternally worthwhile. Such music may be beautiful, says Father, but it can never be sublime. This is one of the reasons why my conversion to Orthodoxy coincided almost exactly with the end of my serious involvement with opera; I was increasingly uncomfortable with the intensive self-promotion involved in the pursuit of such a career. Perhaps if it were possible to forge a career singing only oratorio and sacred song, things might be different, but that's basically impossible to do without involving liberal schmears of opera and art song.

I'm kind of taking a razor to my life, here. Does a pursuit or activity have as its goal a deepening knowledge about and glorification of the Holy Trinity? Then it stays. Otherwise, it's going the way of the dodo. That's the goal, anyway, although I expect to fail often.

I sometimes think that many people avoid me because they're uncomfortable with my lack of pop-culture interest. You can't talk about funny Superbowl commercials with me because I haven't seen them. We do have Netflix, but I haven't seen any contemporary TV shows and often don't even recognize the names of the stars. It's not that I'm saying that these things are inherently bad; I just have no interest. I get bored. Is there really that much depth to this stuff?

It seems to me that a lot of our pop-culture obsession is a subconscious effort to keep our heads stuck in the sand by expending all of our energy on pointless crap so we don't have the mental capital to think critically about what really matters.

There, I said it.

In which I pick myself up and dust myself off...

For most of the past year, I've neglected this blog; half of the time, I'd forgotten about it completely. I have quite of collection of aborted blogs in various corners of the internet; when I begin them, I'm full of get-up-and-go, but it usually goes blotto after a few tentative entries. I don't want that to happen with this one; I write frequently about my journeys in Orthodox Christianity in several LiveJournals, but as this venue is more anonymous I'm hoping that I might exact a bit more honesty from myself. Often, I filter the content of the other blogs in an attempt to avoid a confrontation with certain Orthodox clergy and faithful; they almost always make good points, but sometimes I'm just not ready to hear the message. Also, I can be rather fearful about being wrong, so part of this is a copout. At least I admitted it, right? Right.

Been doing a lot of contemplation about abortion. I am firmly pro-life, but throughout my adolescence and young adulthood I've flip-flopped on the issue many times.

My thought for tonight is this: Many people who hold a liberal stance on abortion will say, "I personally would never have an abortion, but I also don't want the government to tell me what I can and can't do with my body. A fetus is just a bunch of organic matter, anyway. It's not a person." This argument has Gibraltar-sized holes in its logic, but tonight I just want to address the last statement. So many people will tell you that they're not bothered by abortion because they believe the fetus isn't a person. The thing is, they don't know that the unborn child is not yet a person, so they're taking a huge gamble. I say to them, "I understand that you believe that a fetus isn't yet a person; are you willing to assume the risk that it might turn out to be a person after all, and you are therefore committing murder? Are you willing to accept this responsibility?"

Me thinks that's far too great a gamble to take.

More later. Bed calling.

I've recently lost a very large amount of weight.

Tonight, I found out that in addition to feeling very grateful for my new lease on life, I'm feeling a certain bit of Schadenfreude as I watch people that I went to college with slowly gain weight. Part of me feels happy that, as they start to look older and worse, I'm looking younger and more vital than ever.

I don't know that I like this part of myself.

Just deleted a bunch of posts that showcased the less desirable aspects of my personality and habits. Onward and upward, right?

Pascha was, in a word, amazing. I'm already looking forward to next year (and I say that every year). My favorite moments:

*"I will arise and be glorified"...when the Plashchanitsa is lifted up and carried into the altar. 

*Seeing the banners and everything being readied for the procession in total darkness

*The lighting of the New Fire

*The procession itself, despite the fact that only two of us know the Slavonic for "The angels in Heaven sing"

*The reading of the Gospel

*Everything else, really

I wish I could articulately explain why it's so important to be Orthodox. I know I do a bad job of it. God, show me how!

Faith: the logical ascent to the Truth

I've been asking myself several questions over the past few years. 

• How many of the world's self-professed Christians actually, truly believe in a living God, and not just the idea of that God? 
• How many of these Christians truly believe that this God took flesh from a virgin (who really was a virgin) and was fully human and fully God?
• How many of these Christians are truly prepared, in any way, to give an account of their lives before the dread judgement seat of Christ, when He shall come to judge the world in glory?
• How much of this have I really accepted? Have I come to terms with these ideas as truth, or simply as nebulous concepts? Has it really sunk into my skull that Jesus Christ exists, right now, at the right hand of the Father? That His blessed Mother reigns as Queen of Heaven, and that her intercessions are powerful before her Son? How fully do I understand these statements to be fact? 

On a surface level- an intellectual level, if you will- I don't doubt any of this at all. I have progressed, since my conversion to Holy Orthodoxy, from the prayer of the mouth to the prayer of the mind. The last step- the prayer of the heart- I believe still eludes me. I have my moments, of course, but at this stage of my life I am still struggling very much for my heart to be opened, and to believe with it as much as I believe with my mind. 

Lord, have mercy!

...it's you who are locked in here with me

Hello, world. 

It seems that I've begun every blog I've started (abortive or not), with those two words. Hi. Hello. Hola. Welcome to the monkey house. 

Today I'm motivated by a desire for anonymity; my other blogs, livejournals, and websites too easily identify me- and forget about Facebook. Who can post an honest status with almost 1,000 friends from every facet of life peering in? So, the point here is that none of you shall ever know who I am. 

Perhaps, in this space of anonymity, we shall also find honesty together.